i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
bring money and cleavage
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
