Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize