"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I wish you could order shots online.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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