my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
