So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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