um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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