My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
