I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
