I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
