Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
