she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
