Soap is not a condiment
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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