He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
