...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
