i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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