How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
