mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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