I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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