I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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