Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
