May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
