if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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