I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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