I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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