Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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