there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?