: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize