You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
