I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
