Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
