my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
