my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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