there's paper in my vomit.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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