Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
