dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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