New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
