I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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