my vag is so smooth its legendary
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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