A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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