my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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