Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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