This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
