it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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