it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
