Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
