The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
