you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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