singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
