Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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