When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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