woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
