Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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