I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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