I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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