He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
