I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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