...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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