Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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